Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
there was a trapeze. enough said
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
