i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
