what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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