he wants to bone in the snuggie
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
