I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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