the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
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cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
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I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
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