I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
