I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
