She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
