it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
