you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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