Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
