I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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