At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
And then he peed in my hair
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