then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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