Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
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Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
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trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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