I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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