Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
