he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
