Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
