you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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