Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
