I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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