He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
