I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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