My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
