I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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