Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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