when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
The air taste purple.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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