Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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