Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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