Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
