peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
