Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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