also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
