Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
