if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Such a big mess for such a small penis
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
