His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
