I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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