the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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