I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
