Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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