Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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