Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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