I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
