My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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