You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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