every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
