He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
