She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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