all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
