At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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