I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
