that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
When did angry sex become our thing?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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