spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
